Blog
Define or Remind
Oct
I heard this phrase, and it got me thinking about my own moments in life. Did that moment define me or remind me?
It usually occurs at an extraordinarily high or low point—when all is lost or when I’m simply the best.
After one moment in which I tried to be funny but thoughtlessly, I was very insensitive. I usually learn from these moments, but this time, I made the same mistake with the same person a few months later.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
What kind of person was I? How could I have been so careless with my words? Will that person ever talk to me again? Have I lost a good friend?
Perhaps, from my friend’s perspective, I was that thoughtless individual, but I knew I was better and more than those two moments. I knew if I let them define me, it would be so easy to repeat the behaviour because ‘that’s who I am.’
Instead, I used the moment to remind myself that I am human. I will continue to make mistakes, but I will do better.
And I did.
Another moment that sticks in my mind is when I encountered difficulties in my workplace that were not of my own making. To shorten the narrative, if I were to return to work, I would have to convince my employer during a return-to-work interview that I had learned my lesson and was mentally fit.
There never had been anything wrong with my mental health. My friends and family validated this with me.
So, I had to go to the interview with the intention of lying. I had to tell them what they wanted to hear so I would no longer be seen as a threat.
As I left the interview and walked across the parking lot, I wanted to raise my arm in the air to express my Oscar-winning performance. I dare not let the veneer, shown at the interview, be ripped off too soon.
Did this performance make me a bad person? A dishonest person? A coward?
Again, I didn’t want this moment to define me. A lifelong self-applied label would forever stick in my brain – much to my detriment.
I let it remind me that extraordinary measures were required in the face of evil. I rose to the occasion and was successful, but it did not define me in my future. Situations must be considered in context and assessed on their own merits.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Please give this a bit of a think. Are there any moments you can identify in your life where you acted ‘out of character?’ How did you work through the mental aspect of these ‘one-off events?’
I am curious about your thoughts. Please share your bit of a think in an email to me.
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I’m sure I’ve had my fair share of experiences where I’ve said something or did something that was a shade or two out character. But they couldn’t have been all that bad if I can’t remember them. I never lost sleep over or beat myself up for whatever it was I can’t remember. Maybe I’ll remember a few more by the time I’ve finished this post. Whoever we’re making these mistakes in front of are human too. The thing is, who hasn’t experienced an embarrassing moment or two. Okay, maybe many. You’re not alone on this one; it is very relatable.
I guess the most recent experience was in Holland. I gave a 20 minute talk at a medical conference in Amsterdam (2019). It went well and I felt that I gave a good talk. A few doctors came up to me afterwards and praised me for speaking up about a difficult topic. What everyone didn’t know was that I was extremely anxious about speaking in front of an audience. It wasn’t my first time, but the fear is always there. In the afternoon I was supposed to give a PP presentation in front of a much smaller group of people. I knew almost everyone in the room, so that made it easier. I had my PP all set up but I lost my notes and I didn’t think I could wing it without them. I told one of the presenters that I felt ill and could not give my presentation. That was a lie. The truth is, I was humiliated and there was nothing I could do to fix it, even if I wanted. My dear friend from India knew my talk and slides fairly well and she took my place. It took a while to shake off the feeling of embarrassment and letting people down, more than anything. I got over it but I still felt the need to “vent.” After the conference, I flew to London, UK and met up with a friend. Instead of enjoying a nice lunch, I let it all out. Patricia could relate. She holds a very prestigious position in London and shared a similar experience in the early part of her career.
I think the greatest learning happens when we are challenged. How do we get back up and deal with life and move on? Keep moving forward. There’s nothing gained by living in the past or dwelling on our past mistakes. All of the should have, could have and would haves don’t change anything. That is my personal mantra. I know I didn’t do anything “wrong” but it’s human nature to feel this way.