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I was a late bloomer when it came to interest in girls, dating, and getting together for life with that special person. I should say I wasn’t a late bloomer, but rather I was later than some kind of national average. My schedule was right for me. I wasn’t ready until I was ready.

There is one line of thought that many people have, especially when they are young. It is that there is a single soulmate out there for them.

In a recent research report from the University of Alberta, the findings challenge that idea. This report looked at happiness ratings in relationships defined by the couple as being soulmates versus thinking there are many partners to be happy with as they grow together.

The destiny option seemed to become a soul trap. This is not to say that every destiny label leads to unhappiness. But many of these relationships do, as found in this study.

Let’s move from a focus on couples to a focus on the individual.

I came across a piece of advice I’ve happily carried with me for most of my life. I’m happy to pass it along.

In my late teens, establishing an identity for myself was an important and often central part of life. My brother was 5 years older than me, and some options had already been taken by him. That’s not a bad thing, just a reality when trying to form my own identity.

Because of my blooming, which felt out of step with many of those around my own age, I had to work through the insecurity surrounding my sexual identity. It didn’t take long, and I was confident I was heterosexual. That’s neither good nor bad, but clarity on this issue helps me to move on to other issues.

Back in the hippy days, of which I was an interested observer but not a heavy participant, some folks were going off into the world to find themselves. They felt lost and travelling around Europe with a backpack was a favourite option.

Others stayed in the country and tried out various types of employment.  When it didn’t feel like a good fit right off the bat, they would quit and try something else.

Here’s the piece of advice I absorbed that changed my life. “Go out into the world to create yourself instead of finding yourself.”

‘Create’ is a strong action word that puts me more in control. ‘Find’ is more passive, offering too many opportunities to fail.

I was able to look at all the failed opportunities and see them as part of a creative process. It was more of a meandering journey than an endless search. Broken relationships and being dumped were part of the creative process.

What did I miss in our mismatch? What could I do differently in a future relationship?

I work every day to mould myself into the person I aspire to be. I’m not done yet.

Please give this a bit of a think. Are you a Growth or a Destiny kind of person? Were you always this way?

Please comment: Send me an email with your bit of a think. I am curious about your thoughts.

Photo by Kaptured by Kasia on Unsplash

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